Wednesday, July 29, 2009

No. 43

1. Serious grace for a serious mistake

2. A very sweet, engaging, well-written letter from the remarkable Icca, whom I have not seen in 9 years, but whom I still consider to be one of my closest friends--though we communicate exclusively through epistolary means. That's snail mail, y'all.

3. The other night after work, I noted that I had 4 missed calls from my beautiful friend Megan. As quickly as I saw them, I phoned her, expecting either extremely exciting or terribly devastating news. She answered, "Mar Bar, how are you?" relieving me of dread, and went on to deliver the mirthful announcement that she was an hour from Chicago! This news could not have come at a better time--well, it's always a good time to hear from Megan--but for the past two months she has been desperately needed by me, but very distant in a far-away land called "Ohio."

So, yesterday, between my two shifts, I "shared a contemplative moment" (this is what we call our times together--your barfing is excused) with Megan and I met her husband Luke for the very first time!

It was splendid meeting Luke, and even more splendid to hear him say "I have heard so much about you. And even more about your relationship with Megan. And even more about how much she misses this relationship."

It was also delightful, after I declared "It has been plaguing me, and I'm in the depths of despair," to hear Luke say, "Whoa. You talk just like Megan."

With Megan, I am very much myself. I do not mean this to mean I "can be myself" with Megan, because that much is obvious. What I mean is that I am SO MYSELF-ISH with Megan; I am positively brimming with self-ness.

I so often worry that I am TOO MUCH:
I am TOO loud
I am TOO quiet
I laugh TOO much
I cry TOO much
I talk TOO much
I am TOO awkward
I am TOO enthusiastic
I ask TOO many questions
I talk TOO much about Zac Efron
I talk TOO much about Jesus
I am TOO much of a hippie
I am TOO liberal
I am TOO conservative
I am TOO outspoken

So very many insecurities sometimes!

But with dear ones like Megan, I feel TOO everything in such a deep, good way, as though I was meant to be as TOO as possible. This is how I want to feel with people--I don't have time for people who make me feel TOO much of anything! I want to delight in the freedom of being TOO MARI in just the right amount. Whether or not that makes a lick of sense, it is my desire.

I find it odd that the expression "full of oneself" has negative seems like it would be a good thing, to not be lacking in any self-ness but be absolutely FULL...of yourself. Perhaps it refers to the fact that when you are thinking so much of yourself, you don't have room to think about others. But I find it the opposite when I feel SO MYSELF-ISH; I feel like when I am the fullest version of myself, I have all the room in the world to think about others.

Megan reminded me of this wonderful feeling of fullness, although our sharing of a contemplative moment lasted only 40 minutes.

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